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hello i am allergic to small talk

ABOUT

Carlen Altman (no known-relation to Sam or Robert the director,,,JUST THIS ANGEL) is a New York City–raised multidisciplinary artist, comedian, filmmaker, storyteller, inventor, and founder based in NY - working at the intersection of humor, healing, neurodiversity, environmentalism, technology, and culture.

She holds a B.A. from Oberlin College and certifications in multiple areas including Integrative Health and Spiritual Psychology along with extensive training in improvisation and standup comedy.

Due to what our culture currently pathologizes as “Autism/ADHD/neurodivergence” (amplified by an incurable case of child-like whimsy), Carlen has a hard time waking up early, picking a career, or doing the same thing every day at the same time under fluorescent lighting.

Due to what our culture refers to as “EMR Syndrome” (electro-sensitivity), Carlen has a hard time using conventional technology, which has inspired her to create her own—in the form of 1-800-EARTH.

Her past lives include writing and presenting on-air about environmental issues for MTV News, appearing on HBO’s High Maintenance, making the award-winning feature film The Color Wheel, and creating inventions such as The Jewish Rosary™, featured on The Today Show and carried by Urban Outfitters and Colette Paris.

Her work has also appeared in outlets and at events including The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, ELLE, the Sundance Film Festival, and The Weston A. Price Festival.

Carlen has performed stand-up at Caroline’s on Broadway, The Comedy Mothership, and The People’s Reset, and has led workshops exploring comedy as a tool for healing.

Comedy (like mental illness) also runs in the family: her father, artist and comedian Bob Altman (aka Uncle Dirty), wrote for comedy luminaries like Richard Pryor and was an early mentor to George Carlin, who affectionately called himself Bob’s “best pupil.”

His archive lives at The Real Uncle Dirty.

Combining all her special interests under one roof, Carlen is currently building a “New Paradigm of Humor and Healing” via 1-800-EARTH 🌎—alongside Earth to Carlen (currently #6 on Substack).

THE STRANGE PLOT TWIST

In 2017, out of extreme frustration with her own chronic fatigue and mental health journey (along with a lifelong passion for saving Earth), Carlen’s interests began to extend far beyond the arts — and into deep independent research on mental health, neurodiversity, biodiversity, consciousness, spirituality, psychedelics, technology, environmental sustainability, toxins, and the relationship between mental and environmental well-being.

In addition to a University Undergraduate Degree in Psychology with a minor in Environmental Studies from Oberlin College, Carlen became certified in Detoxification and Integrative Health (IHP Institute) and completed a two-year certification in Spiritual Psychology (University of Santa Monica), followed by various training in extrasensory perception at The Portland Psychic School (yes, really!) and courses on somatic healing, High Sensitivity, wireless radiation and man-made electromagnetic frequencies.

Somewhere along the way, she also embarked on a wildly unconventional four-year solo road trip and spiritual awakening/healing journey, which found her living everywhere from a Beverly Hills mansion (where she tried the psychedelic Bufo) to a laundry room without a toilet, a tiny moldy cabin with no electricity in Northern California, a house full of eccentric alien researchers in Texas, and eventually a mountain village in Mexico with no Wi-Fi—among other exciting locales…

Along this strange journey, she ran out of money entirely — which meant learning how to start over, financially and otherwise, from scratch.

She chronicles these adventures and hard-won lessons in her Substack (voted #6 in Rising Humor) and shame-free comedic memoir and how-to guide, How to Get Your Sht Together.* - a guide for other misfits here to build a New Paradigm.

Based between NY, (and sometimes CA and Mexico) she is available for very select public speaking blending comedy + storytelling, creative consulting + collaborations, ghostwriting, and 1:1 Royal Advisory sessions with other sensitive souls who refuse to fit into boxes of any kind.

Some of Carlen’s past PRESS can be found here.

YOU MADE IT TO THE END. HERE IS A TREAT!